Funny you should ask. What did I want to be when I grow up?
Published by admin under Pandemonium on April 29, 2010
Over at Girl Talk Thursday we are talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I could make a list of things I told everyone growing up, but it’d be excruciating long. Therefore I’m not even answering the topic question lol. Feel free to stop reading right here if you’d like.
My mom never really pestered me too much with that question, but I think it would always exasperate my dad because he’d ask and was like “that’s not what you said last week…”. AND then to his dismay I didn’t go to college and now I don’t work (for those of you don’t consider raising two children as work). He finally stopped asking, but now it’s turned into “Your sister is doing this….you know if you wanted to go back to school I’d take care of it….”. I appreciate this too. The only problem is I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I think maybe I just haven’t grown up. I could chalk it up to that.
The truth is though I’ve had BIG dreams about what I wanted to do in my life and the whole “What do you want to be when you grow up” never really factored into those dreams so I always played it cool and gave an awesome answer like “a teacher” ect… There were a few things I really aspired to be, but then came to the realization they weren’t for me. I’ve also had an awesome career that paid DAMN good & I up and left it because I couldn’t stand the thought of elderly people like my grandma being ripped off by their government(I was an insurance agent who specialized in medicare) and I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else taking care of my child every day. Didn’t seem rational. I never looked back. Tells you had BADLY I wanted that career huh? Or any career for that matter.
A particular memory comes to my mind when this topic comes up too. I remember very clearly like it was yesterday and I wonder if they do too. We were over swimming at one of my friend’s aunt’s house and I was floating around in a giant inflatable pirate ship….don’t ask. It was me, Sarah, and Veronica (I think V babysat for them too). I think Sarah was graduating that year if I remember correctly and we were all floating around talking about what we wanted to do when we grow up. They were gushing about their dreams and I was really excited for them because they knew what they wanted to do(In fact one already is a Lawyer and the other is in school) and then it was my turn……I could have easily spouted off some of the bullshit I’d been feeding everyone for years, but I thought about Matthew (my then boyfriend at the time) and my desire to just walk through this life with him and I thought about how good of friends they are and if I was ever going to tell someone what I truly wanted it might as well be them. I walked off the plank so to say and told them prophetically that I kinda just wanted to get married and stay at home with my children (I never thought I actually could just do that either…). They both kinda looked at me and then each other and were like….that’s nice, but…WELL what do you want to do after that….which is the crossroad I’m coming close to now that Vera is close to going to school. My answer is still the same as it was then. I have no fucking idea. I’ve been thinking about it a LOT lately though.
I had a deep and profound thought while contemplating what I want to be when I grow up….because remember I haven’t done that yet lol (I’m 23 give me a break…)….and I’ve realized all these people are focused on WHAT you want to be and I’ve realized this path I’ve chosen is leading me to discover WHO I want to be and who I am. I’m thinking that the WHAT part is going to be vast and varied, but at least I’ve found out WHO I am. That’s half the battle of being “grown up” right? Knowing your place and who you are?